gorilla zoo dead Harambe

National Mourning Declared for Dead Gorilla

Much of the Internet has erupted into a maelstrom over the death of a Cincinnati Zoo silverback gorilla. For those who haven’t heard, after a toddler tumbled into the gorilla’s enclosure, zookeepers shot and killed the rare gorilla. The untimely death of Harambe, the gorilla in question, has caused the nation to lapse into mourning en masse for the gorilla.

The killing of the gorilla has since sparked a firestorm of intense online debate between biologists, mothers of toddlers, and lifelong zoo administrators such as Piers Morgan, Kaley Cuoco, and Donald J. Trump over the fate of the gorilla.

Out of the woodwork have crawled many closet fans and lovers of gorillas. Thousands of individuals and corporations this week have proclaimed their sentiments on the death of the gorilla.

Amidst the dissertations that the nation of newfound zoologists have published, many are intensely scrutinizing the zoo’s otherwise untarnished record of Toddlers Falling into Animal Pits, the designed goal of fences being to keep beasts in rather than children out, the incomparable human dignity bestowed by the image of God, the heat of life-and-death decisions made in the moment, and, chiefly, the insufficient vigitance of American parents, especially with nearby gorillas.

Remarkable through this mud-slinging hate storm, the American Left have emerged as sterling altruists for their concern over the passing of the gorilla. Indeed, Harambe has received a veritable tidal wave of posthumous affection from humanitarians whose hearts bleed at the thought that the toddler was spared a brutal and bloody end for the sake of the gorilla.

“Lots of us have been affected in really profound ways,” commented one NBC journalist on the death of the gorilla. “Our network has reallocated a mammoth amount of resources and manpower away from politics and foreign affairs to cover this incident with the gorilla.”

Meanwhile, the biologists and animal control specialists have welcomed to their ranks myriad philosophy professors: now out of work thanks in part to Harambe the gorilla.

“I just don’t understand it,” remarked one assistant Ivy League professor, whose job has been imperiled by the untimely demise of the gorilla. “I conduct seminars about moral philosophy, and lately I can’t get a single controversial discussion going [since the news of the gorilla]. I keep bringing up the old hobby-horse about the trolley and saving people or animals, or saving people or not – however your variation goes – and they don’t see any option other than saving the animals [especially gorillas]. Discussion is at a standstill, and all my students talk about is how much they want to save the gorillas!

“It’s almost as though they’re incapable of registering the real problems in this world, like the plight of the whales!” the distraught professor opined, heartlessly belittling the importance of gorillas.

The professor failed to mention if students were more or less passionate about gorilla deaths when they occur in the womb.

Author: Noah Diekemper

Noah Diekemper studied Latin and Mathematics at Hillsdale College (B.S.) and Data Science at Loyola University Maryland (M.S.). Motivated by a desire to preserve and share knowledge, he contributed to Goodtruebeautiful.net and has also been published in The Federalist, Intercollegiate Review, and The Baltimore Sun.

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